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| Chapter 01: Hate
"Hate or hatred is an emotion of intense revulsion, distaste, enmity, or antipathy for a person, thing, or phenomenon; a desire to avoid, restrict, remove, or destroy its object." -Wikipedia
Hate is very hard to control, because it's always there. You can hide it, but you can't escape it. Even when you push it back, you do so knowing that it will come back and bite you.
So what is happening when I suddenly feel hatred toward everything? Two weeks ago I was calm and collected and now it's hard just to contain myself. I wanted recovery but instead I'm leading myself on a downward spiral.
I know how it happened. Years ago I was very emotional and I made a consistent effort to block out unwanted emotions. Eventually I was able to suppress all of my hatred, anger and rage. I carefully chose everything that I wanted to show. Left nothing to chance. But now, certain catalysts have been pushing me to go back, to act instinctively. Racism has been a big one.
Racism itself, even as a joke, can still be considered offensive. Usually I block it out, but what am I supposed to do when my "friends" ridicule me based on race? When I goto my friend's house and his little sister yells "Oh, the Mexican is here"? Do I just sit back and take it? Do I fight back and hope that it will go away? I want to scream, and not out of pain, or fear, or sadness. Just out of anger. Pure, unfiltered anger. I want to smash my fists into something, be it a wall or someone I don't like. I have to do something different or I will explode.
Welcome to my recovery. | | |
| Sub-chapter
Advanced Global Personality Test Results
| Extraversion |
|||||||||| |
33% |
| Stability |
|||||||||||||| |
56% |
| Orderliness |
|||||||||||||| |
56% |
| Empathy |
|||||| |
30% |
| Interdependence |
|||||| |
23% |
| Intellectual |
|||||||||||||||| |
63% |
| Mystical |
|||||||||| |
36% |
| Artistic |
|||||||||||||||| |
63% |
| Religious |
|| |
10% |
| Hedonism |
|| |
10% |
| Materialism |
|||||||||||||||||||| |
83% |
| Narcissism |
|||||||||| |
36% |
| Adventurousness |
|||||||||||||| |
56% |
| Work ethic |
|||||||||| |
36% |
| Self absorbed |
|||||||||||||| |
56% |
| Conflict seeking |
|||||||||||||| |
56% |
| Need to dominate |
|||||||||||||||| |
63% | |
| Romantic |
|||||||||||||| |
56% |
| Avoidant |
|||||||||||||| |
56% |
| Anti-authority |
|||||||||||||||||||| |
83% |
| Wealth |
|||||||||||| |
50% |
| Dependency |
|||||| |
23% |
| Change averse |
|||||| |
30% |
| Cautiousness |
|||||||||||||||| |
70% |
| Individuality |
|||||||||||||||| |
63% |
| Sexuality |
|||||||||||||| |
56% |
| Peter pan complex |
|||||| |
23% |
| Physical security |
|||||||||||||||||||| |
83% |
| Food indulgent |
|||| |
16% |
| Histrionic |
|||||||||| |
36% |
| Paranoia |
|||||||||||||||| |
63% |
| Vanity |
|||||||||| |
36% |
| Hypersensitivity |
|||||||||| |
36% |
| Female cliche |
|||||| |
23% | | | Take Free Advanced Global Personality Testpersonality tests by similarminds.com
Stability results were moderately high which suggests you are relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic.
Orderliness results were moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly organized, reliable, neat, and hard working at the expense of flexibility, efficiency, spontaneity, and fun.
Extraversion results were moderately low which suggests you are reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and secretive.
does not make friends easily, secretive, introverted, reclusive, observer, dislikes leadership, somewhat socially awkward, does not like to stand out, dislikes large parties, values solitude, solitary, avoidant, ambivalent about fitting in, not dominant, unassertive, suspicious, prudent, unadventurous, worrying, weird, intellectual, frequently second guesses self | | |
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